My Long Walk Nowhere

PART ONE
THERE ARE FOUR PARTS TO THIS ARTICLE SO PLEASE BE PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING

30 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO WANDER THE WORLD WITHOUT DIRECTION. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I STARTED FEELING ALONE WHEN MY OWN MOTHER LOOKED AT ME ONE DAY AND TOLD ME THAT “I WAS GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT WHITE TRAILER TRASH IF SHE DID MY SCHOOLWORK FOR ME.” 

The Beginning of My Nightmare

I have gone to many Churches searching for God thinking maybe; “ok, if I sit here long enough He will talk to me, show me something, anything; nothing came. During this time, I started having children with my first being born in 1989 and he was the light of my life after being forced to have an abortion a year and a half prior.

My first pregnancy was terminated because my own mother deemed me too young and it would ruin my life, I was forced to tell my high school love that we had killed our child (my mother and me). She told him that it was not even a child yet and that it would screw up everyone’s life if I went through with having the baby. I still remember the feeling of going in and having the vacuum suck out my child, I still remember the pain as the vacuum emptied my soul into a zip-lock baggie that I later saw on the counter when I stood up to leave. I still remember later going back to school and somehow the people there finding out and calling me a “BABY KILLER.” Running home looking for support from the one person that made me do this horrible thing and she wasn’t there, she didn’t care, it was over and done with and that was all that mattered, it was gone from her memory like it never happened. I on the other hand still live with the memory and pain to this day.

Then later like I said after trying so hard to fix the pain in my soul another man would eventually get me pregnant again with my first child I would carry full term. Mind you I was an only child growing up and never wanted just one because frankly being alone sucks. On the delivery table, I remember saying, “I have my boy I want my girl.” That is truly where I was supposed to stop; however, God had other plans for me. Eleven months and thirteen days later I was giving birth again to a baby girl this time; saying, “that’s it I’m done.”

Mind you I was still young and living the wild life and trying to raise my 2 beautiful children that were my world and my, now ex-husband was even wilder than I was and expected things from me that were way out in left field. Like sexual gratification favors and games of 3-ways and partner swaps and the whole nine yards (this should have been my first clue as to his sadistic side). During one of these escapades, I became pregnant again, this time the child was not his, but it belong to the other partner that we participated having sex with. I went to this man and told him this is your baby not my husbands and we began to talk about what the future holds; come to find out he only cared about his own child he did not care about all of my children. Because 11 months and 13 days after my daughter was born and I gave birth to my son I began to prepare to leave my husband for the first time (trying to start a new life, a life that would be better for my children, and a life that would not be full of anger, hatred, and pain.) This did not work very well when my ex-husband and his family found out. They found us and surrounded us with their vehicles and threaten to do harm if I did not come home or relinquish ALL OF the children even the child he knew was not his.

This child he knew he could use as a bargaining chip to get me back and it worked, a few days later I called because at our end we had developed a plan for me to get the children after one other failed attempt to get my children from him, and being told by an attorney “Possession is 9-10th of the law in custody battles and if you want your children, you need to have physical custody by any means necessary!”  I set out to get my children away from this man, by any means necessary; I called Child Protective Services (CPS), the Police, and everybody and nobody would help me. He was good at covering up what he was doing and had a lot of people helping him. Later I get a phone call from him telling me to meet him at such and such restaurant because he is bringing me the children. I said I will be right there!

Come to find out he only brought my youngest child, and he proceeds to tell me that if I want the rest of my children and to see them I must come back with him and leave the next day to go to Colorado, Colorado Springs. When asked why he told me it was for a fresh start but as I am writing this I have figured out, it was because of the call to CPS and they knew the allegations against him were true all along that “I FEARED FOR MY CHILDREN.” There had to have been an active case (mind you I am thinking like then right now the flea responds is always relevant when there is trouble). Of course, I wanted all of my children and he leaving the state with my children without me and me never seeing them was not an option for me. THIS WAS A CERTAIN DEATH SENTENCE FOR ME! Without a word to anyone I picked up what I had, grabbed my son because I was not letting him anywhere near him and got in the backseat and left.

I returned to my worst nightmare; for my children, the next morning we were on the road cross country with 3 very young children one walking, one crawling, and a newborn. This trip was the longest 48 hours in my life, but we made it all intact. From here my plan was to get all my children away from the man that was my husband. It finally happened, there was a knock down drag out argument, the neighbor’s/his aunt and uncle had my infant and the other 2 were asleep in an apartment we were supposed to be apartment sitting in (squatting). During the argument that escalated he ran into the apartment where his aunt and uncle where and grabbed my son while I was screaming don’t let him have him and stop him. There was a struggle this time and he kicked me to the ground and locked himself in the other apartment with my children; however this time, I did not leave alone! This time, I did call the Police! This time, my children came with me and the Police placed us in a woman’s shelter.

There was a lot of abuse between the two of us throughout the whole marriage, one time just after my eldest son was born and I was in the post-partum depression stage he pulled a knife out on me (I cannot remember why now). He also wanted me to participate in a 3-way right after the birth of my son and I said not in front of him and that angered him, so there were a lot of changes I went through that he could not understand and did not want. I did not see me as abused (no way, I thought this was the way relationships worked) and compared to some of the woman I talked to in the shelter I wasn’t abused and didn’t deserve to be there (in my mind) so I set out to set up other housing from the safe house.  I called my now ex-husband and set up a meet time and arranged a ride under the assumption I needed money and cigarettes’ (which I did, I was broke), at that time he informed me that I had nothing to worry about and he was leaving state going back home to Michigan.

I left the safe house as soon as I knew from his family he was gone. Staying with a friend of the family and agreeing to stay out of sight and mind as long as possible with 3 children. The friend said he was hardly ever home any, so sure no problem and I could have the bedroom with the children as long as they were asleep when he came home. It worked out great and I started to prepare my trip back to Michigan. I sent a letter back to my youngest child’s father letting him know that I had all the children and we could be a family (if that was what he wanted). I got a reply back but it wasn’t what I had expected, I got a letter telling me that I was a home wrecker and that I needed to stay where I was and that if I came back, there was going to be trouble and that my child was not, in fact, his and it was some other person’s that I had to have had an affair with.

Alone, no job, no family (we had not talked in years since my mother walked out of my delivery room for my oldest son), nobody that really cared, and no real home for my children I became very lost. More lost than I ever was, my friend started having company come over again and one night his friend got me high and very drunk (in my desperation to forget I allowed myself to get high and drunk but not what happened next). This friend of my roommate proceeded to come into the bedroom after I got sick and retired to the bedroom with my children and had his way with me, I remember my children waking up at one point and telling them it is ok to go back to sleep. The roommate was under the impression I guess that it was consensual since I said nothing else (remember this is what I was taught by the first husband; it wouldn’t be until years later that I find out that my own mother was the same way).

One day I wake up and my eldest son is running a very high-grade fever; trying Tylenol, cool baths and the whole nine yards I could not break his fever but I was alone at the time. The roommate was at school, I had no legal transportation (with gas in it), and I had no one to watch the other 2 babies. Therefore, I did everything I was taught to do when these things happen, at least to keep it under control until the roommate came home so I could take him to the hospital. As soon as he walked in the door I looked at him and told him to draw me a map to the nearest hospital, watch the other two babies, and please give me the keys to your car, he has been running a fever all day and nothing I’ve done is bringing it down. At this point, I am about panicked because earlier that day he had told me he would be home at a certain time and he wasn’t and I had no way of telling him about the emergency situation going on so I was a bit upset, also.

Upon getting to the hospital, I was able to finally breathe and looked at my son telling him it will be ok now darling they will make you all better and we can go home. I have never been so wrong a day in my life! They took us to the back room and did a strip search of my son telling me this was just routine. I said he had been running a fever all day long and I had been trying to get it down all day until my roommate could get home to watch the other two children while I brought my son to the hospital, then they found it! The fingerprint bruise on the side of my sons butt cheek where I had swatted him for climbing on an electric stove (that could have hurt him or burned him had it been on (he was 2 years old)).

Here comes Child Protective Services (CPS) into my life. The Social Worker that just so happen to catch my case was an implant from Detroit, Michigan to Colorado Springs (just my luck she believed I was abusing my children). She went to my address and knocked on the door looked at my roommate and told him I said “I left the younger 2 children home alone and she was there to pick them up”. He just looked at her dumbfounded, he told me later (after I had calmed down). She brought my children back to the hospital and because my youngest son was not wearing a disposable diaper and neither was my daughter; I was neglecting my children because there was not much food in the house because I left my children with my gay friend I failed to protect my children. Because my youngest son had a bald spot on the back of his head where he had rubbed the hair off they gave him a CT-scan, my son had one of those big, soft, purple, birthmarks on the left cheek of his butt and they honestly thought it was a bruise and I had to offer his delivering doctor’s information for them to believe me of what it was.

With no court hearing, no visitation, no saying goodbye, one week to the day later I get a knock  on the door of the new place I just moved to so that I could get my children back. I was in a dead sleep, best sleep I had all week, the Aunt and Uncle are there sleeping in the living room and I make it to the door first.  I look out the little peephole and I see my caseworker and a police officer, I yell at the 2 of them something is horribly wrong, I get up and answer the door; saying, “What’s wrong with my children?” they never took me inside, they never sat me down, they never asked me if there is someone they can call for me. I can still remember the cold hearted statement “YOUR SON CODY IS DEAD”! I don’t remember much after that, I remember falling to my knees and screaming, I remember being picked up and put in the chair, but the next thing I remember is carrying my son’s car seat everywhere I went and making phone calls from a phone booth in the middle of winter just before Christmas, December 22nd, 1991 my son was only 4-month-old when he passed away and became my guardian angel.

I was allowed a visit with my other children to explain what happen to their brother, not that they would know much. But CPS knew I needed to see my other children and they needed to fix their mistake, and after seeing me with my children the caseworker told me I should have never had my children taken from me. I was cold and callused but it was not this workers fault and she understood and tried to make it right, she took me to JC Penny’s and told me to pick out an outfit for your son anything you want him to be buried in. he was not baptized yet; however, that does not matter in the Bible, he was so young that he was without sin. I was looking at Baptismal outfits and they were so expensive I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to ask for that, so I had looked at a blanket and got that but could not find an outfit I liked and kept coming back to the Baptismal outfit the caseworker walked up to me and whispered in my ear, “I told you whatever you wanted for him I will buy you”, and I broke out in tears and said thank you.

I may have lost my way with my Lord and Savior but I knew He was still there and I knew there was a greater purpose for my pain and suffering. I still screamed at Him where you, why are you doing this to me, and what did I do to deserve this? Then out of nowhere a calm came over me while sitting in the car with the caseworker as she was driving me home from the JC Penny’s store; I turned to her and told her (it was not a request and I didn’t ask, I told her) I needed to see the foster parents that had my son Cody. She got this worried look on her face and I had to assure her there was no malice in what was to happen and I had a message I needed to give. Apparently she believed me because the next day I was sitting across the table looking at the foster mother holding hands with the woman that spent the last hours with my son.

This woman was so torn up inside that she was ready to walk away from so many needy children in the world. She looked at me and told me, your child made an impact on our lives in just the short time we had him in our home. We have never suffered a death of a child in our home and I do not know if I can continue. I looked at her as calm came over me because we both were crying so hard because she had brought me his sleeper and his last bottle and some other stuff that she could not bring herself to wash or get rid of. I looked at her as the calm came over me and said “You can NOT stop being a foster parent”! This woman stopped crying and just looked at me like I was mad or something; I looked at her again and smiled saying “Look; Sudden Infant Death is not something you or anyone else could have stopped or controlled. You could not have made my son breath again in any way shape or form, it was his time to go, he has gone home to sit with our Father and we must carry on and do what is meant for us to do. Please for the children do not stop, my child may not have needed to be in your home, but he was, and it was to bring you and me together and to make sure you are strong enough to carry on.” She looked at me and told me that at that moment she was scared to death to meet with me, thinking that I was going to attack her, she never in a million years expected those words to come from me.” “This is not for us to judge please, I need you as much as you need me right now here in this moment we are both grieving he was my child, but he was in your home. God saw fit to know that I could not bear to whiteness him taking my son from me so he gave other means to make it somewhat easier, I am sorry it had to be you but in the same aspect, it had to be you. You have to stay in this for the children”.