My Long Walk Nowhere; PART FOUR

The beginning of the end

Being back at square one was not an unfamiliar thing for me and I knew what they wanted so I signed the service plan and walked out. I gave my children hugs telling them I loved them and I would see them soon. I went home and called my boss telling her I needed to work that night and got in the shower then got a knock on the door, I guess my son was giving them so much trouble they realized they did not have his medication. The real problem was they tore him away from his mother yet again, he was fighting back and they were drugging him.

I poured myself into work and court and then I was told I needed a better job and that my visits were being moved over 100 miles away so I moved closer to where my visits were to be held, I was treated like a criminal; I wasn’t allowed to whisper to my children, I wasn’t allowed to have them sit on my lap, I wasn’t allowed to discipline them, I wasn’t allowed to do anything with them. Until one day my youngest son would not come, sit with me while I told a story and was hiding behind a chalkboard and when I asked him to he told me “no I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mother.”

The awakening

My son saying those words to me was the only thing that could make me stop fighting! Right then and there I saw what my fighting was doing to my children, my fighting was hurting my children and confusing them all the more, it was tearing them up inside. I refused to tear my children apart anymore and see that pain in their eyes, their confusion in their hearts, and their souls torn apart.

I looked at that worker and told her this visit was over, you win; you want my children you got them! I was not very kind about it either. “One day they will come back and I will be able to tell them the truth! One day you will have no power over them!” “You want them I have court you better have the papers there for me to sign!” As I’m leaving my son breaks through and runs to me yelling “Mommy do not leave!” “Baby Remember one thing in life; no matter where you go or what you do I will always be with you!” That same week I had court, I had made my mind up for my children; for my children I had to walk away. I could not cause them any more pain, anguish, or hurt.

The courtroom

I showed up to court early that day because I just wanted to get it over with because the pain was already too much for me to bear. Unfortunately, the Judge had other plans for me, he had my attorney there waiting for me (a man I had never really seen or talked to before that day). He took me into another room and asked me a bunch of questions concerning the chain of events. I looked at him telling him that he was working for the courts anyways so why should this matter to him. That the only reason he was there was to make sure I understood what I was doing and yes that I did. I am doing this to stop the pain on my children; I do not need you at this hearing! The attorney went into chambers and told the Judge exactly what I told him and we went into the courtroom. I told my side, telling the Judge that one day the children would come home and they would know the truth, one day my story would be told “and the pedophile would be exposed as well” was going through my mind, since I was not allowed to put that on record, ever.

As the papers were slide in front of me I broke and began to shake profusely, the tears began to flow uncontrollably and the Judge looked at me and said are you sure this is what you want to do. I looked at him and told him that CPS will never leave us alone and my children have hurt enough, this is for them to stop the pain, this is not for me. He had it put on the record how hard it was for me to sign the papers as it took me a good fifteen minutes to sign all the papers and my tears stained each set and I could barely see to sign.

Afterward; I left in a blindness I didn’t know where I was going and ended up at my second ex-husband's house. Of course, he was there and I told him that if the children ever come looking for me that no matter what happen between us we had to stay friends and I always had to keep his last name. He took one look at me and told me that I was not driving anywhere; I looked at him and told him I had no choice, I had to go back down state and I left.

The wandering years

I wandered for years on end from that point on telling people by word of mouth parts of my story here and there; I have tried to sit down and write my story for years from start to finish. I have tried to forgive myself over the year by helping others to understand that people are not all bad, and helping other to fix their lives and not make my mistakes by guarding mine, never letting them go, and trust me there is much more that is not in here. Secrets and skeletons in the closet are meant to stay in the closet; however, sometimes they come back to bite you right where it counts and it has me many times over. I still struggle today even though I have found my way back to my Lord through the help of my writing and a wonderful woman. My wandering aimlessly has found a focus, four of my children are home, and I have found a focus there. Wanting to tell the stories of so many families that have been abused and hurt by a system that in many ways is corrupt and broken; for all intense purposes it was made for.

When my children came home they brought with them horrible stories (at least 3 of the 4 of them), I am still waiting on my eldest child to come home. With all my love, I pray to God one day she finds her way to this truth. I hope she forgives me for trying to get her the help she so desperately needed. When her father did his damage she was never re-educated she was just told “it is okay for you to do this or that as long as you do it while you are alone in your bedroom.” When my children came home for my step-father’s funeral they brought home grand babies not yet born. As a matter of fact, my youngest child found out she was pregnant while she was home.

Still searching for you Nikita Ann. 

I love You and Miss you

Getting to know my children

Getting to know my children is not the easiest thing in the world because of all the damage done. I will not go into too much detail here because this is just as much their story from this point on as it is mine but I can tell you I have made major mistakes and have had to walk away because I will not allow my children to attack me because they are either jealous of others or just do not accept the answers they have already received before and maybe with this story they may have some closure and maybe more questions. I do know that when CPS stepped back into my daughter’s life and took my grandson I found my purpose again, I started looking for a place to share my story and help other’s and find more answer’s to help her. I needed to re-acquaint myself with the new CPS and find answers to help her fight the system and I was not going to let her lose her son the way I lost her! I was not going to let them use me against her!

One day as I was talking to people a woman approached me asking me to write for her website; my thought was yeah okay this is a joke right and when I checked it out it was a global site, I was nobody and asked her why me. She said because of your passion and you are a great writer, this would be my beginning and my foothold back uphill to writing and finding me in the eyes of the Lord. As I finished my first article my second article came my way and that would be the moment that changes everything in my life. That would be the parent that would start me on the path to becoming a Minister and truly bringing others to the word of God.

Writing is the truest form of advocacy for me and that is the gift God has given me to helping parents understand the word how and what to do and what not to do. The unbiased view from the outsider’s perspective is what I truly had until just recently until I became so invested in a couple cases I lost sight of that perspective, I lost sight of my own purpose, I lost sight of my ministry, my Temple/Church. I lost purpose even in my own writing, until now, I was able to after a month to write my first story and after 20 years to write this in one sitting.

As I sit here and think about every time God has played a part in my life; I would tell you it was at every turn of events, if not I would not still be here. There are some that I used to run with that are not still here; that have fallen prey to drugs, or some other thing, disease, murder, or something worse. Hence, my path with my Lord and Savior has been a long road and is not over yet “I am only human and will struggle the rest of my life to be a better person, to be a Godly person.” “I am but a lowly sinner, that strives for strives for something better in life.”

This May very well not be the end or even all of my story, but you get the main idea of what happened all those years ago and thanks to a few good friends and advocating and writing other stories I was able to finally write my own horror story.

If you have made it this far in reading this then you have done better than I ever did in all my 30 years of trying to write it the first time around and for whatever reason now the Lord has given me all my memories back to be able to write it in order to help 

JUST ONE FAMILY STAY TOGETHER

THAT IS WHAT I FORGOT!

THE FAMILY THAT WAS MEANT TO BE TOGETHER

FIGHTING FOR FAMILY! ONE FAMILY AT A TIME!